Confessions of a psychotherapist about to be married
I am getting married in three weeks. And this has been an unexpected roller coaster. I thought I would have it all together. I am 55 years old and I don’t remember the last time I blushed. I have happily lived with my fiancé for 7 years. We know like and love each other so what possible surprises could there be? Plenty!!
Suddenly I am looking at the apartment and deciding what needs to go…. I meant change. I find that now that it is forever I am staking out my territory and the nest needs to get fluffed. It’s not okay to watch records migrate across the floor in the living room anymore. Suddenly I get that if this is a forever apartment I want to fit in it better.
I tried to keep everything on a budget and I didn’t believe the “this is your day stuff”. But vendors kept smiling and saying it. And somewhere I started buying into it. And yes, it is my day to wear a fancy dress with blingy things. Most importantly it is a chance to notice and give attention to all the people that are willing to come. It is one amazing giant support center. And anyway the local bakery is making the cake and I’m not going crazy over decorations.
It has also been a time for my closest girlfriends to sit me down and talk about what marriage has meant to them. I still have some single friends but not many. I feel a twinge and not doing this sooner when they describe what it’s like to go into the world as two. Yes we have been together happily for 9 years but there is something about saying to everyone “hey this is it” that has meaning.
And there’s that word forever do I believe that there is a forever? I think if I have integrity in my dealing and honesty tempered with kindness I can have forever. A friend recently teased me when I was explaining to him how nervous I felt. He asked me if I was settling.
That had never crossed my mind what I was thinking was that I was about to give my word of honor to someone. I don’t do that likely because when I make a promise I follow through. And as much as I love the man this is a big one. I think the two biggest promises I can give is I will try to get your point of view and when I don’t I will be genuinely curious and ask you to tell me more.
And strangely it feels like I am closing a chapter; a chapter of not answering to anyone, of coming and going as I pleased and of being alone. And I didn’t always find being alone lonely. But I have noticed that when you are a couple there is added warmth. You know you can fall apart and be messy. Then you pick yourself up and laugh together. They help you dust off and think about what just happened to you. And there is someone holding your hand and saying do it. Okay I think I got over the vapors now I just hope the photographer shows up!!