Why you should never try to change a man
There is a myth in our culture that needs to be exposed. I have seen many couples in couple’s therapy and there is this running notion that a lot of women have that they are there to improve or change their men. And the tool most often utilized is nagging! Women nag because they lose patience that the change is not happening fast enough. And this is one of the main reason I see couples come in for Couples Counseling.
So, let’s look at this for a minute. Would you want to be with someone who isn’t happy with you as you are? Who feels you need to be changed to make the grade? I know that it sounds harsh the way I just said it and it is harsh when you do that to the person you are in love with. The lyrics of a song say it very well “how lovely to be a woman and have one job to do to pick out a boy and train him and then when you are through you’ve made him the man you want him to be.” That’s even worse isn’t it? When you fall in love with someone you want them to love, like and respect you as you are.
I have a friend and no this is not a thinly veiled client story she is really a friend) who got married to a man who didn’t finish school so she paid for his tuition. Then when he got out he didn’t want to get a job so she tried to push him into several avenues all of which he either failed at or refused. After several years of trial and error she finally got mad enough that he stuck to a job. PS he hates it. The bills are getting paid but I cannot imagine that either of them are happy. What if she found a man who shared her values and had all these things in place as opposed to bullying and cajoling him? Now I can hear the objections that this guy wasn’t doing what he needed to do and of course she had to do what she needed to do. But actually she didn’t do what she needed to do. She needed to find someone that suited her and so did he.
She whole heartedly believed the myth that she was there to make him better. Wouldn’t it be simpler if she accepted his choices from the beginning? And then sked herself what are my chances of happiness with this man as he is? When you fall in love don’t fall all the way before you ask yourself does this relationship make sense for me as it is. Not because they have potential or you can see that over time you will get what you need. Live in the present moment and look at each other for who you are right now not who you might become. That is the person that you fall in love with.
Look at who you love and ask yourself in the long run do our values mesh not are they the same they don’t have to be. But, are they complimentary do you understand and get each other. That doesn’t mean you won’t have arguments but it does mean you have a chance of looking at each other’s actions and agreeing with many of them