Don’t judge yourself by what other people did to you
A lot of people believe that when other people react they caused it. That some people have the kinds of personality that you can predict how the room will react. Or they look for patterns to support this idea. One thing that I find frustrating is when people come into therapy to ask what is it about them that makes people react the way that they do.
Not to burst any bubbles here but most people are thinking about themselves and I have never met anyone who can make anyone do anything. What I mean by that is if someone is screaming at you or being abusive your personality did not cause it. The screamer is the only one responsible for the air wave assault and I’d say they have a personality issue. But what if you keep attracting the same kind of person in your life?
When someone treats you badly the problem is theirs and not yours. By feeling guilty or self-blaming you are taking on a responsibility that is not yours. Not everyone will mesh with each other but that does not give people the right to hurt, reject or humiliate someone.
Some people come into therapy because of trauma in their lives and they feel they keep replaying it. You need to let yourself off the hook. If you are thinking of childhood incidents, what you did at the time was what a child would do. And it might have even been a good choice. There was a reason that made sense at the time you did it. You may still be acting the same way when you don’t need to anymore. You need to notice that it is old and you can let it go. Especially if the message you got was not to trust anyone.
What about patterns dating the same person over and over. Well what if you are choosing them? Let’s say you go for drinks after work and you are approached. And you see that they are flirting with anything with a smile. You date and wonder why they are not giving you enough attention or worse they are cheating on you. And you wonder why do I attract players?
You don’t always attract players but you did ignore the information that you had (don’t blame yourself, notice that you are smart and stop ignoring your intuition).
What if you are in a situation where people gang up on you? It happens if you are different or if you are not in tandem with the other team members. In that situation you can do two things. Figure out the values and see if they are a good fit for you. What is this group about and do you want to be part of it? If they aren’t and there is no way out you may need to deal with bullies. Bullies don’t like it when someone stands up to them. They prefer people to be afraid.
So to sum up I am recommending: look at the lessons you learned when you were younger and decided if they are true now, trust your intuition and your observation skills and learn how to deal with bullies
This has been a Reader’s Digest version if this is something you would like to learn more about please contact me.