Boundary Bashers
We all have them in our lives sometimes we call them friends, BFF, Mom or my all-time favorite supervisor. We all know when we have been bashed. It is a sinking angry, annoyed feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach. I have heard some clients say it feels like having a welcome mat on my back that says step on me. Sometimes it feels like someone just sucked the life out of you. Or you get angry but somehow that feels helpless to. It feels helpless because you have colluded with the basher. Does that mean that you are being blamed? No hold up – there isn’t any basher here. What I mean is that somewhere along the line you agreed with the basher that there is nothing you can do about it. Boundary bashers or bullies seek out people that will not say what they, the bully is doing or challenge what the bully is doing.
A lot of people get overwhelmed by their feelings. You feel violated because you are being violated. This can create a freeze reaction. You genuinely believe the person will stop as soon as they realize what they have done. That is true if they are operating under the same moral code that you are. So what you can do is test your theory. When you do the test you are making the assumption that the person is not aware of the impact of what he/she has said or what he/she has done. Now a lot of people shy away from this step and become afraid because they see this as a confrontation. They see it as a confrontation because they believe the person knows exactly what they have done and what it has done to you. That may not be so. Ignorance is bliss. Some people are unaware of their impact.
So the first step is to take a deep breathe, calm down and approach them. You can start with]
“You may not know…”
“I’m not sure that you were aware.”
Or if you want to just bite the bullet
“When you did ______ what happened next is this ________ which makes it difficult for me to do_________________ now they respond
At this point you are simply exchanging information. They may have not known part of the situation or may be good hearted and clueless. You have made a point and even if you talk it out and you disagree you have earned respect for being a team player and speaking as opposed to sitting at your desk and planning their demise. The most important part is to make the assumption that they don’t know some information. If the atmosphere is even keel and friendly it will be easier for the person to hear they slipped up.
Now let’s up level and go for the next step. Yes they did mean to upset you
They are trying to provoke you. They have pushed it up to challenge mode. When I was a kid the class bully decided it was time to stomp on me. Her name was Cheryl and she would find any weakness you had and announce it when we were all standing on line waiting to leave the classroom. I had glasses so it was an easy shot to make fun of my eyes. The insult was silly and really didn’t make sense but she was going for public humiliation and got it. The insult BTW was “you have eyes like a bald eagle” I was upset but didn’t respond back. I just stood there hoping the earth would swallow me thinking oh no now everyone will attack. Cheryl had declared open season on me.
I didn’t know it at the time but by not responding it was an open invitation for more. The next day on the playground she grabbed me by the hair and dragged me around chanting insults about my eyes. I had just watched a bad western movie with a lot of bar room brawls. I bunched up my fists and asked myself where should I put these? Cheryl said another nasty crack about my eyes and my fists knew their target. The end result is I was never picked on again by anyone. Everyone whispered in awe she beat up Cheryl.
The moral of the story is not give them a black eye (I was 10 poor impulse control ) But you do push back. When they respond yes I did that with a smirk you need to state that it’s not all right and this is the problems that it is causing (hopefully the person has better social skills then Cheryl). What this does is it says no you can’t lash out and expect me to silently accept it. You also use the same energy output as they do. If they raise their voice you can raise yours to. Why? You are matching them. You also bring your voice slowly down to conversation level. Think of it as a piece of music. They go forte you do to and then you begin to deescalate by bringing your voice slowly down to conversation level ad you actually begin to talk slower. You set the tempo.
Now look at their body language. Take a piece of it look at the way they are holding their right hand and copy it hold it for two minutes. Than let it go. Or you can copy the way they stand. You should begin to notice it’s getting friendlier. Or you can do it with words. I had a friend who said “there you go” a lot. When we disagreed when he would see a small part of what I meant I jumped in with “there you go!” it’s called bridging and unconsciously the person feels like you get them.
What if the person is power hungry and malicious?
Let’s up level again you are dealing with Darth Vedar again it is information.
First Question
- Do you have to? Now that you get who they are do you need to be around them?
- If you have to in what context do you need to be around them are there allies a support system?
With someone like this you need an audience around you so that others are aware of who you are and how you act. Especially of you are dealing with a hierarchy. I’m not suggesting going over someone’s head or gossiping. What you need to do is consistently be clear with this person about when they cross the line and let others know what is actually happening. The story of what you do and how you behave should come from you and not from this person. It is not gossip because the center of the story is you and your actions. People will draw their own conclusions about this person. Don’t push other people to side with you just be clear with all the events. This will help you if it escalates into legal action in the future. Live transparently. I hope this has been helpful.