You spend time with people you don’t like or you avoid people out of fear
How do I put up with these people how can I approach the people I fear? You first need to go inside yourself and find out the answers to these questions. Where does the dislike come from? What are you basing it on? Is this a gut reaction or have you put some thought into it. I’m going to make some suggestions on how to start liking more people and we are going to take a look at what influences you to dislike them in the first place.
Let’s start by looking at some of the ways you can start disliking someone. A lot of people may be isolated and feeling hopeless about their chances of creating a successful social life for themselves. Saying you don’t actually like people can take some of that pain away. You’re telling yourself you don’t care about what you think you can’t have, or you’re devaluing something you want so not having it doesn’t bother you as much.
We can make decisions based on the idea that we are better than other people or below other people. When we have those thoughts it seems like an indisputable truth that can’t be argued with. But how did it get there in the first place. Is this a value system you want to choose where everyone is one up or one down? As long as you believe it, it is true in your world. Maybe you should shake the dust of that antiquated idea. There are people who may have more skill in one area then you do but you possess your own skills. As for someone having more money or education the value comes in with what you do in life and how you treat others. The status quo has got to go it is too limiting and rigid.
One of the most important things you can realize is your response and thinking creates your reality. If you accept other’s opinions notice that you have chosen to do so. I am not advocating to reject others viewpoints. I am suggesting that you look at what you have accepted as a matter of course and chew it over and digest it. A lot of people swallow ideas and concepts whole without examining it and deciding what they think. Have you been following someone else’s lead?
There is also a habit of blaming other people. Saying they are weird, rude they don’t understand you which gives you a reason to isolate yourself because why would you want to be their friend? In a way you are beating them to the punch by making a judgment call or deciding for them what they are thinking about you. The reality is we don’t know what people are thinking. And even more shocking is they might not be thinking about you at all!
If you spend a lot of time alone social interactions are fleeting and superficial A lot of the information you have about other people is general and abstract. They’re not getting those firsthand experiences. You need to build up experiences. A friend of mine kept saying make a memory. Make a point to remember what’s going on with friends and coworkers.
Taking an active interest in what your co-workers do outside the office shows that you value them as a person, not just someone that makes your job easier. Check in with them and ask about information in their lives they have mentioned before. This is a building process. People reveal themselves gradually and becoming a trusted friend does take time. Relationships result from frequent face-to-face contacts. This even works by just seeing the person studies have shown the more frequently another person has been seen, that person was seen positively and people wanted to interact with him. Even proximity matters. I can think of a friendship that started because the woman sat behind me. If I didn’t have a daily conversation we would never had become friends. So stop hiding in your cubicle. The longer people get exposed to another person’s ideas, the more they liked that person. (Now, I know you are disagreeing so just wait for it)
Familiarity, or repeated exposure, creates opportunities for interaction. All other things being equal, as mentioned above friendly interactions are more common than nasty interactions, suggesting that such opportunities are more likely than not to lead to rewarding social experiences and favorable impressions. People don’t want to constantly pick fights. Now you may be thinking of that one obnoxious person in the office. But look at everyone, does everyone act like that?
Most of us are wary when we approach something or someone new. It is an instinctive reaction to protect you. If you keep approaching people it wears off. If you listen to it and hide it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Dislike is often based on how a person is not like you. When people meet they usually seek out commonalities – other people they both know, common interests, and similar experiences. This gives you something to talk about. The person has something in common with you and it feels like they are like you. The more you speak to someone the more chances both of you have in finding commonalities. When you feel comfortable in everyday conversations you then look at how the person responds to each you Positive responses – like giving support, empathy, warmth, humor advice create affinity. On the flip side uninterested, snarky or critical responses tend to foster indifference or animosity
The more you interact the more you will learn about the person giving both of you a chance to trust each other. You also get to decide do I enjoy talking to this person? Sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes you need to warm up to each other. But don’t put the cart before the horse. Being effusive and telling your secrets all at once will make the other person back away. This is a process it takes some time to check someone out. It takes time to know and feel known by someone else. Exercise patience and persistence. The more you know the safer you feel.
Which brings up the idea what if the more I know the less safe I feel? Since you have taken the time to have several interactions trust your instincts and don’t let it dampen your enthusiasm. Why a few interactions, because you are basing your judgment on knowledge and not just your fear of meeting new people.
By doing this, you will increase your confidence and decrease your uncertainty of the impressions you have of others. Fear and apprehension are most of often caused by the fear of the unknown. We are taking out the unknown part of the equation. Now you have knowledge and you can decide do I like this person. Too often we look at someone and decide to dislike them based on a few impressions that we haven’t even verified. They scowled at you; you don’t like their voice etc. You know the acronym TMI? Well you have TLI!
Friendships are formed by the richness of impressions (details about their lives, speaking to each other and frequent positive contact). This gives you more accuracy in getting to know their personality traits, a key provision of his
When you get to know someone, they are better at giving support and encouragement because they have information about who you are and how you operate. You are also more likely to listen to them because they have a history with you and their comments make sense about who you are. The more they know you the more you like them .You like them because they know you and be helpful and supportive based on that knowledge. As your comfort increases, so does attraction. Or if you’d prefer your wanting to talk to
The obnoxious ones
So how did it get so bad in the first place? Friendship development is viewed as gradual. Friendships go from superficial interaction in narrow places in your life to increasingly deeper interaction in broader areas. If you feel that the rewards from a relationship outweigh the costs, you will continue to progress toward closer friendship. But when you dislike someone your bad opinion of them forms at a much faster rate and you can quickly label them as a “rival” or “enemy.”
People look at how they feel around people and also what benefits or lack of benefits they get by being with certain people. Based on that they choose whether you are friend or foe over time, these judgments, along with the complex emotions and perceptions associated with them, lead people to make decisions about who that person is. In a way they become frozen in their thoughts about that person. You start a pattern of dislike it is enduring, recurring set of negative judgments, feelings and actions toward another person Yu decide who and what they are. It is a pattern of dislike. The dislike may be mild or severe, based on personal associations, prejudices, or whims.
How do you choose to keep that fire burning?
There are a few things to keep the negativity flowing first; there is the intensity of dislike. If it is mild dislike you may be able to ignore the relationship dynamics by focusing on goal accomplishment However, as intensity increases, it may become increasingly difficult to focus on interdependent goals. However if a friendship that involved a great degree of trust and vulnerability might have been violated, this can cause an extremely negative reaction with consequences Depending on how much the person hurt you determines the strength of the negative relationship because the degree of how you feel. (Hurt, anger, sadness about the loss of a friendship, Threat of rejection or disloyalty), can be severe when one member is extremely vulnerable
Second, reciprocity refers to whether an individual is the object or source of dislike, or if it is reciprocated. Although the worst case scenario occurs when both parties dislike each other, dislike does not have to be reciprocated in order for it to be a problem. For example, even if you like a person who dislikes you, that person may do things purposefully to upset you.
Negative outcomes also exist when you dislike someone who likes you. This may be annoying or burdensome; working with people you dislike can lead to dissatisfaction and turnover. In extreme cases (e.g., stalking), you may end up feeling persecuted, frustrated, and victimized. Research on unrequited love has shown negative effects for both parties
The third characteristic is whether the person knows that the other person dislikes him or her. Although awareness is not necessary for harm to occur, if you are thinking about the situation a lot it will cause more discomfort and its likely to lead to reciprocated feelings of dislike and negative reactions toward the other person
Social distance refers to whether the negative tie is direct (you are part of the dyad with a negative relationship) or indirect (you are connected to a person who has a negative relationship with another person think cliques! Mean Girls!). Sometimes you will dislike someone because of who they are associated with. And worse is when you dislike someone because they are a scape goat and you are trying to become more popular with a group of people.
Negative relationships do not occur in isolation; they occur within a network of relationships. Third people can either inflame or defuse the relationship. It depends how important their opinions are to you. If the group feels threatened it will respond. For some people the quickest way to get friends is to attack another and form a friendship with someone based on that person participating in the attacks. If you dislike another person, your judgment of that person’s friends will tend to be negative as well
There may be benefits from a negative relationship with someone who is highly unpopular to the disliking individual and that person’s friends. The enemy of my enemy is my friend. As in the example of the common enemy, sharing a dislike for someone can enhance positive relationships with others. It may be beneficial to one’s career goals to align with employees who are well liked by others and disassociate or dislike employees who are disliked by many others If you are in that situation does it make sense to stay there?
If you feel that the rewards from a relationship outweigh the costs, you will continue to progress toward closer friendship. However, People are much quicker to categorize people as “rival” or “enemy.”
We react more to people we dislike our feeling are often more intense, we think more about the problem and even our bodies feel and express it.. Stronger arousal occurs when people are interacting with persons they dislike rather than those they like or are neutral
Negative interactions have been found to have a disproportionately greater effect on life satisfaction, mood, illness, and stress than positive interaction –they grab your attention more People assign greater importance to negative information, including social information, than to positive information
When someone contradicts our opinions and we dislike them stronger arousal occurs when people are interacting with persons rather than those they like or are neutral toward negative events are stronger determinants of mood than positive events. It is easy to be swept away by a wave of negativity. Negativity has more power and a more long lasting affect
Developmental psychologists suggest that children discriminate and evaluate negative events earlier than positive events because negative events are more likely to interrupt action. Parents correcting children could mean your toys were taken away or time out. We are trained to look for negative cues and we are unaware of it. Children learn the rules of negative behavior first becoming punishment-oriented
Social Isolation – living in fear
When in social situations, a person with avoidant may be afraid to speak up fear, blush, stammer, or get embarrassed. You may also spend a great deal of time anxiously studying those around you for signs of approval or rejection.
You know you are avoiding people out of fear, feeling uncomfortable in social situations and often feel socially inept. Despite this self-awareness, comments by others about your shyness or nervousness in social settings may feel like criticism or rejection. This is especially true if you are teased, even in a good-natured way, about your avoidance of going out.
You may be hesitant to seek out friendships, unless you are certain that the other person will like you. When you are involved in a relationship, you may be afraid to share personal information or talk about your feelings. This can make it difficult to maintain intimate or close friendships.
Emotional reasoning
I think and act based on how I feel. Example: “I don’t feel like doing this, so I won’t”.
Solution: Many times if we act first (even when we don’t “feel” like it), our feelings and thoughts begin to change for the better.
Mental Filter
If you are scared that no one likes you may go off on a thought run and decide to find evidence that this is true. This “vicious cycle” of thinking makes it hard to think realistically and remember all the good and positive things in your life.
The negative things we dwell upon are not helpful to us at all. They lead us to think even more negatively and we get stuck in this cycle of “over thinking” and the “racing” thoughts about negative events that have happened and which we think will continue to happen.
These are just thought! You can replace them – challenge them. Everything you think is not true.
First, NOTICE that you’re in the vicious cycle. Then, decide to BREAK THE CYCLE by using a “thought stopping” statement (some examples are below). Finally, find something to DO that takes your concentration, interest, and focus AWAY FROM those old thoughts.
SO WHAT? – This is a strong and determined SO WHAT? Or IS IT TRUE? Ask yourself these questions and see how you answer back
WHAT’S IN THE PAST IS OVER the past is in the past Focus on the present.
Awfulizing
Am I blowing this whole thing up? Is it really happening the way I am thinking? Are they really all gossiping about me or just me?
Sit back and calmly assess the situation. If someone is trying to make you feel miserable, that is THEIR PROBLEM, not yours. You don’t have to agree with them and give in to their negativity. You can’t read their minds and you don’t know what they are thinking.
Shades of grey (not the movie!)
If you are convinced that you are a social failure rate it on a scale of 0 to 100. Parse it out what do you do well what things do work for you.
A good therapy program will supply the necessary and specific strategies as well as indicate to people how and why they need to practice, work on, and begin to accept rational thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and perceptions.
Only a change in the brain’s neural pathways (this is what “learning” is) can cause permanent changes to occur so that we can change irrational thinking into rational thinking and then act on it. This is the heart of cognitive and behavior therapy
Our goal should be to live happy, content, and peaceful lives. This may take some shifting of priorities, changing of thoughts, and some motivation, but it is always possible and always well worth the effort. Get in there and try. Don’t approach the most difficult person approach the friendliest and then go after another one.
If you would like more infornation call me for an appointment for a free conultation at (917) 456-4127.