Not-Enoughness
Self-esteem or confidence is self-knowledge. How much you know about yourself. Looking at self-esteem, if you feel like you are not enough raises two questions. Have you really taken a good inventory of who you are and what you can do and where do you think you are lacking?
How you take Inventory
Some people start with a zero sum base. They compare themselves to other people and come up with the idea I am less then. If someone else is recognized as doing well it must be because I don’t measure up (ouch!) This feeling is neither generous to yourself or to others for that matter! The problem is, if this is the way you evaluate yourself you will always lose even when you win. You lose if you come up short or wanting. By deciding you failed since someone else got recognition, you are not giving yourself a lot of inspiration or energy to change your results.
There is a tendency of people to keep doing what they are doing. It’s called the law of inertia (An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force. An object in motion continues in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.) People have a rhythm and they prefer to stay in that rhythm. Some people will take back to back failures and decide it’s who I am not what I did. They throw up their hands and game over. You start believing I never get noticed. Instead of problem solving and choosing how you will get noticed you send yourself into a depression.
This is a competitive driven state that is very harsh. And if you win you win by viewing the other person as less than you. This creates a world of lack since someone inevitably has to lose. So you decide the world is a dog eat dog place to live. You are attacking yourself by doing this. How? You have just created a scary angry place to live. Your world is how you choose to perceive it. If you set this up I guarantee that you will hurt yourself. This belief becomes a structure of how you live in the world and what you expect from it. And you built this house without noticing that you did. It just feels like this is reality and this is the way of the world. The world does not always give you what you want. But it often gives you what you expect.
How do you define who you are? By asking friends? Never thought about it? Took a test or I don’t like to think about it. Welcome to the Unconscious Club! To gain membership you must allow your definition of yourself to be random, unexamined and rigid.
Most people with low self-esteem are reacting to the ridiculous hyperbole around them. I’m crushing it! I’m a rock star! I’m killing it! The exaggeration in all these claims is nothing short of ridiculous. And many people shy away because they can hear how overblown it is. So they go into a self-protective mode. They feel they don’t measure up to the hype and they even partly believe it. This makes them retreat even further.
Now if you buy into this world of I-am-too-fabulous-for-belief. I can understand that you might feel you don’t measure up. And this brings up the fear that you will never fit in. And that means you isolate yourself and now you are alone. We often listen to what others think about us in hopes we will be included and be one of them. The problem is the only consistent feedback you will ever get is from you.
Make yourself a credible resource of positive feedback. Catch yourself at doing something right. People who have low self-esteem are highly certain they will catch themselves doing something wrong and they look with diligence to prove themselves right, that they will be wrong. And they usually do find proof. If you do this notice it and deconstruct it. It does not serve you.
The other problem with measuring yourself against others opinion is whose?? There are so many of them and only one of you. They will keep having different opinions and they will conflict. There is no consistency in the information about how you stack up. This is why it is in your hands. With inconsistent information how you see yourself is very confusing.
Where do you think you are lacking
Another word for lacking is I-haven’t–learned-it-yet or I-just-figured–out-that’s-important. You don’t come complete with all the information you need. There are things to learn at every age. Don’t cut your curiosity off. You will learn quicker if you recognize that everyone has to start somewhere. There may be people who understand things faster. Here’s the magic pill life takes effort. If you stop yourself by thinking I’m not enough you need to notice there’s a tyrant in your head. But what if you kept trying and it didn’t work? There may be some things you don’t get. Your right you’re not good at it find the things that are more you’re bent. I once was asked to build a staircase for a show. Frankly I couldn’t do it. I tried but it was just unsafe for me and the actors.
I did not decide I was a terrible person I just changed my thought of I-can-do-it-all to I-don’t–do staircases. So I stopped after a really good effort and the set designer said can you run lights and I said let’s see. In the end I ran the light without running myself down for not being able to operate a jigsaw. If you have a jig saw in your hand let it go and find something different. The world is a better place when I am not holding a jig saw and I am fine with that. If you need some help with this try coaching.